Too Ashamed to be Honest
She sang the hymns without having to look at the words, rocked babies in the nursery, she knew the families by name, and carried a secret she hated. Her name is Sarah, she is in her early 30s, and she had an addiction. On the outside, she looked like everyone else who loves Jesus and serves faithfully. In the shadows, she wore a different mask. A pattern of unwanted behavior wrapped her in shame.
In her loneliness, when she wasn’t sure where she really connected, she decided that she needed to meet her own needs. Sarah trusted God with 97% of her life, but the 3% was something she had to control herself. So she sought the false intimacy of pornography. It dulled the ache of loneliness and quieted the background hum of anxiety. For a moment, it seemed to work. The inevitable downward spiral of habitual sin took hold. She wafted between periods of sinful indulgence, shame, conviction, repentance, and respite. As the spiral continued downward, she sought more ways to “try harder” to “fix the problem.” Each new promise that “this is the last time” made the shame feel heavier. The loudest lie was the most isolating: “You must handle this alone. If anyone knew, you would be cast out.” Then alcohol joined the mix, and for a while, it silenced the shame. Soon, it spoke louder than her hope.
She is not alone in this struggle.
A Not So Hidden Epidemic
Current research paints a sobering picture:
3 of 5 U.S. adults report viewing pornography, and half say no one else knows about it. 84% of those users have no one helping them avoid it.
Among professing Christians, many are confused about what spiritual and sexual health looks like. Only 10% report that their church offers any kind of help.
Pastors are quietly struggling too. Many have a personal history with porn use (67%), and a meaningful number still struggle today (18% reported). 86% of pastors believe porn use is common among their peers. (In my opinion, this is a much scarier statistic.)
Pornography, like every idol or addiction, is an attempt to manage life apart from God. It is the heart’s declaration, “I know better than God. No one is meeting my needs, so I have to take care of myself.” Beneath it lies mistrust — a belief that God will not care for us in the way we most desire. Sin, at its core, is not simply breaking a rule; it is harming a relationship. It is choosing self over communion with God, the One who made us for intimacy with Himself.
These statistics are not only about pornography. They are about all the ways we hide and numb the ache of feeling disconnected and alone. Most of all, these statistics tell the story of our brokenness, our longing for someone to SEE us, to know us, to claim us, to declare our value, and redeem our souls. Only our Creator can fulfill these demands.
How did we get here?
Technology may amplify temptation, but the root cause is our disordered pursuit of connection. Underlying every unwanted behavior is a fundamental desire to be seen, known, and loved without fear of rejection. Whether your specific addiction manifests as gossip, materialism, manipulation, substance abuse, or excessive social media use, these are all attempts to find intimacy through counterfeit connections that ultimately lead to isolation. However, this very longing points us back to God, who alone can fulfill our need for wholeness and belonging.
In our impatience, we trade intimacy for immediacy. We choose numbing over being known. The longer we hide, the more we forget who we are. These patterns grow in the soil of loneliness. Our meticulously curated images replace honest stories. Even at church, appearance can outrun authenticity. The result is people who love God but live fragmented, anxious lives, appearing faithful in public yet fractured in private. Still, the ache underneath is good. It is the same longing God planted in us at creation: to know and be known. What the enemy distorts, God redeems.
The Church Is Meant To Be the Safest Place
God’s word envisions the local church as the place where we bear one another’s burdens, confess our sins to one another, and walk in the light. The church is Christ’s hospital, not a museum to showcase exemplary works of art. It is where the most difficult challenges of life are named and tended with truth, grace, and compassion.
Unbound Grace exists to strengthen the church, not replace it. We come alongside leaders and congregations to build cultures of grace and truth where people can step out of secrecy and into connection. Here are a few of the opportunities to consider at UGM:
Counseling
Unbound Grace Groups: Safe, guided groups where shame loses power and honest stories are met with empathy and accountability.
Pastor and Leader Care: Confidential support for clergy and staff so they can seek help without fear.
Training and Resources: Practical tools for churches to address pornography, substance use, and other unwanted behaviors through a gospel-centered lens.
If you are a pastor or church leader, we would be honored to serve you. We would love to talk more about creating a safe and gracious environment for your congregation.
We invite you to take action.
Addiction thrives in isolation and withers in connection. Healing begins not with condemnation but with confession in the presence of grace. At Unbound Grace, we believe recovery is more than just sobriety; it is connection with God, through which he restores and redeems our identity beyond the brokenness and shame that used to define us.
Remember Sarah from our story earlier? She finally walked into an Unbound Grace group. Tired of pretending, she spoke the truth out loud. No one turned away. They listened, loved her, and reminded her of what is always true for those in Christ: “There is therefore now no condemnation.” The light did not expose her to shame; it exposed her to mercy!
If you are weary from hiding, you do not have to fix yourself to be loved by God. You already are.
Come into the light of Christ. Come as you are. He does not need your perfection; it’s not something you have to offer him. Grace has the final word.
